Summer can be a trying time for cats. I decided to ask my cat, Stella, how we could stay cool when the temperature rises.
Summer is upon us, Stella! Are you thinking up ways to beat the heat?
This again? I HATE summer. The heat waves, the children screaming in agony, you and your novelty sunglasses, the mailman in shorts.
Wait, what?
The mailman in SHORTS. So unbecoming for a spy.
I mean about the children. And the mailman is not a spy.
The mailman is SO a spy. Have you seen those catalogs he brings us? Womens wear!
That’s his job, Stella. He is not watching you. He is not recording you. He is not sending information about you back to … where is it again?
North Korea.
Didn’t it used to be Russia?
It’s both. Everyone wants a piece of me.
Can we go back to what you said about the children?
Oh, right. Such screaming, all summer long. I can barely sleep through it.
But screaming in … agony?
Seems to be. And I’ve heard a squirrel scream.
I think they’re screaming in joy, Stella. You know, summer? School’s out?
Joy?
Yeah.
Really? Huh.
You think children are screaming in agony every summer, and when you find out they’re actually happy all you can say is “huh”?
What? I’m not a kid person.
You’re not even a person.
Oh, right. I’m a cat. You’re talking to a cat.
Let’s get back to the heat. At least you shed to keep cool.
Doesn’t apply to me. Bengals don’t shed.
You know, that’s a common misconception about Bengals, due to their fine coats, but in —
I do NOT shed.
Aw, Stella, you’re worried about losing your hair! Don’t worry, it’s a perfectly normal thing to happen.
Is that why you’re always wearing a hat?
We’re getting off track. Let’s get back to the heat.</strong
Don’t worry about that. I’ve got a guy.
You’ve got a guy.
One word: hydrochlorofluorocarbons.
Hydrowhat?
Exactly.
Please continue.
My pleasure. The latest in ductless mini-split whole-home cooling, coming next week to our house for the low, low price of ___ .
Don’t say it.
$7,995.
Stella!
What? I talked him down from $8,000.
We are not installing air conditioning. Tell your guy to back off. How do you even have a guy?
How do you NOT have a guy? I don’t even leave the house, and I’ve got a guy.
I was thinking more along the lines of putting some ice cubes in your water dish.
I’m not a penguin. How about some cross ventilation?
Good idea. We’ll get a nice breeze going, open some windows.
I was thinking walls.
How about a cold washcloth on your back?
ALL our rooms don’t need roofs, do they?
I can buy a fan or two.
We’ll turn the guest bedroom into a meat locker! With meat!
This isn’t going how I expected.
Let me go online and buy us some snow. Is your password still loverboy77?
That is NOT my password.
I have a cat tree coming Tuesday that says it is. Hand carved. I found a guy on the ‘Gram.
You know, I think I actually hate summer.
You’re finally speaking my language! Now let’s go capture the mailman and send him back to Russia. You can wear your novelty sunglasses.
They’re just regular sunglasses, Stella.
Keep telling yourself that, pal.